The Jeice Show
The Search for a Hero
Episode Eight

(The huge-ass cast of TJS are all in the lounge.)
Cui: So....
Matt: That hero of Earth thing's happening today...
Jeice: Yeah.
Tracey: The author crapped out on us, didn't he?
Author: Dude, don't say that! Muahahaha, now I'll mess up fate!
Jeice: Um, Tracey, as of the end of this episode, you're fired. ... WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
(Jeice looks at the vote sheet.)
Jeice: Whoa! Now Tracey has the most votes! it was Recoome a minute ago!
Ryoko: How did that happen?
Recoome: Uh... it's inexplicable.
(Cut to "The Jeice Show" 's theme.)
Theme: It's the Jeice Show, the.... wiggy.......Jeice Show... They love it in Chicago....Watch Burter take bets on stuff... uh... Doo de doo?
(Cut to Jeice in his usual Lounge Chair. Burter's on the cough, tossing a beanbag in the air.)
Jeice: Who the hell wrote that? Recoome?
(Long silence.)
Recoome (Off-stage): Yes.
Jeice: Figures. Now, first off, the results of that stupid voting thingy says that Tracey's voted off.
Man in crowd: Really? I voted for Recoome.
Other man: Me too!
Woman: So did I!
Burter: I think we all did.
Jeice: Really? This says that Recoome got zero votes...
Insane man in crowd: IT'S THE AUTHOR! IT'S ALL A CONSPI- (Is turned into a duck inexplicably.) Quack.
(Cut to backstage.)
Tracey: I'm sure of it now. The author screwed up.
Mimete: Big-time.
Sailor Mercury: I need some asprin...
Washu: We're all out.
Sailor Mercury: But I bought that this morning!
Zarbon: Welcome to real life, plus "The Jeice Show".
(Cut to the stage.)
Jeice: Well, we've got a treat for you today! We're gonna choose the hero of Earth!
(Long silence.)
Jeice: I'm as thrilled as you are, folks.
(Long silence.)
Jeice: That was sarcasm.
(Audience, now fully getting the comprehension of the joke, laughs.)
Jeice: Oy. Here's our first candidate... Uh.... Ash Ketchit!
(Ash walks out.)
Ash: It's "Ketchum"!
Jeice: Could that be any cornier?
Ash: Yes.
Jeice: Anyway... we are going to test some random skills you have. First you have to answer annoying questions. Our judges will be Ryoko, Dodoria, and Nappa!
(The three walked out to decent applause.)
Dodoria: Why the hell am I still here? I haven't been given a speaking line... EVER!
Ryoko: Which is a bad thing?
Nappa: The author is using the more lower profile cast members because he just remembered us. I don't think I've had a line since Episode Five!
Ash: Can we get back to ME now?
Dodoria: Huh? Oh. Yeah. Sure.
Ash: Okay!
Ryoko: Pepsi or Coke?
Ash: Pepsi.
Dodoria: Bush or Gore?
Ash: Gore.
Nappa: Goku or Vegeta?
Ash: Goku.
Ryoko: Me or Ayeka?
Ash: You.
Dodoria: McDonalds or Burger King?
Ash: Mickey D's.
Nappa: Bruce Lee or Jackie Chan?
Ash: Jet Li.
Jeice: Okay. Now, Judges, out of a scale of ten, what would you each rate him?
Ryoko: Ten. He prefers me over that wench Ayeka.
Dodoria: Seven. MCDONALDS? Come on!
Nappa: Seven. JET LI? Are you kidding me?
Jeice: Okay, that's twenty four points. That's okay, I guess. Ash, scram.
Ash: Whatever.
(Ash walks off.)
Jeice: Now I'll ask some of the audience who they want to see as the hero of Earth. Yes, you, the green guy...
(Super Ultra Whatever Kinky Perfect Cell stands up.)
Cell: It does not matter, for I shall destroy you all now that I have reached perfection! HAHAHAHAHA!
(Cell punches himself.)
Cell: That was NOT funny, #18!
Jeice: Wait a second... ANDROID 18 IS A CAST MEMBER!
Cell/18: GET ME OUT OF HERE! NO! 18 IS MINE!
Jeice: GET THE HELL OFF OF THIS SHOW! AND GIVE 18 BACK!
18: So, what, I'm an object now?
Jeice: Um...
18: Just give me a moment to completely embarrass Cell.
(18 in Cell's body flies off. Cut to backstage, where Mimete, Sailor Mercury, and Washu are drinking coffee.)
Washu: Why are we here?
Mimete: I don't know, I'm not good with the big picture stuff.
Washu: No, I mean, why are we HERE?
Sailor Mercury: My theory is that we just have really bad luck.
Washu: Makes sense.
(Just then "Cell" walks in, wearing basically everything considered feminine.)
18/Cell (Cell's voice): Hey, are the cameras working?
Washu: Um....... yes.
18/Cell (Cell's voice still): Okay. See ya.
(18 in Cell's body leaves. Cut back to the stage. "Cell" enters.)
18 in Cell's... aw, you know: Okay. I'll let lizard boy gain control after... THE AUDIENCE IS FULL OF MORONS! (Cell's voice) Um.... what?
Audience Member: He called us morons! LET'S GET HIM!
(Cell is pummeled by the audience until he spits 18 out.)
18: About time. (Walks off.)
Cell: Mommy...
Jeice: You don't have a mom.
Cell: Oh, yeah...
Jeice: Okay, let's welcome our next contestant, Taichi Kamiya!
(Tai walks on stage.)
Jeice: Since it would be boring to let our judges interrogate Tai, we're going to let the audience do it! Fire away!
Audience member: What will you do as the hero of Earth?
Tai: I would protect the people and endorse things!
Audience member number two: How do you get your hair to get like that?
Tai: I simply let it grow a long time ago. Then the hair started showing signs of sentience. Now it attacks me every time I try to cut it.
Some Digi-freak: Is it true about you and Matt...
Tai: Uh, what?
Digi-freak: You know.... Taito?
Tai: NO!!!!!!
Digi-freak: Oh come on, you know it's true!
(Dodoria laughs.)
Dodoria: HAH! I knew he was gay!
(At that moment a chair hits Dodoria in the head, as Matt storms on stage and starts pummeling him. Tai, Nappa, and Ryoko join in. Tracey runs on stage.)
Tracey: Ooh! I've gotta get a sketch of this!
All: OH NO YOU DON'T!
(Tracey is chased off-stage by basically everyone fighitng.)
Jeice: ..... Uh.... Tai Kamiya, everyone!
Burter: I just realized that I'm the sidekick and this still is my only line.
Jeice: Uh.... good for you, Burter.
Jeice: Our next contestants are...... Sailor Moon..... Sailor Mars..... Sailor Jupiter.... Sailor Mini Moon........ and Sailor Venus? What the hell?
(Cut to back-stage. Mimete and Sailor Mercury do spontaneous spit-takes.)
Mimete: THEM?
Mercury: This can't be good.
Raditz: Oooh.... short, short, shorty short skirts!
(Washu, 18, Mimete, and Mercury glare at him.)
Raditz: I mean.... uh...... damn it.
(Raditz is sent flying on stage, with four distinct boot or shoe marks on his face.)
Sailor Moon: Who is this guy?
Man in audience: It's Raditz! OUR HERO HAS RETURNED!
Woman: WE DON'T NEED A NEW HERO!
Jeice: ...
(The entire cast, plus Ash and Tai walk on-stage.)
Zarbon: You put us through all of this random crap, and then you realize that there's no need for a hero?
Ash: You wasted everyone's time for this?
Matt: Damn it!
Jeice: Er... Well, that's all for today... Join us next week.... Captain Ginyu.... and stuff........... GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
(Jeice is chased off by cast members, Sailor Scouts, Digidestined, Pokemon Trainers.... the whole shebang.)

In ... um.... memory of Tracey:
Episodes 6-8

Next time: Well, Jeice said it all. Captain Ginyu's on the show, and things are going to get even more insane than this episode.... maybe. Stay tuned for more of the "Disgrace to DBZ fandom!"